(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
(MAN CRIES OUT IN PAIN)
(CRYING OUT CONTINUES)
(PANTING)
(MOANS)
(CRYING OUT)
SIRIS: Well.
Behold
the great Scorpion King.
Please forgive our revelries, but we cannot believe our good luck.
That being able, at one time,
to rid the world of an Akkadian
and, at the same time,
erase the memory
of your legendary failures.
(GRUNTS)
(CHILDREN LAUGHING)
To your people.
As well as to your queen.
Your queen was a great sorceress.
How was it that she was unable to see her own demise, huh?
(SIRIS LAUGHING)
Did you really think
that you could be a leader of men? Hmm?
(CHUCKLING)
Akkadians are good for but one thing.
Destruction.
(MOANING)
You almost single-handedly decimated a civilization
that took over 3,000 years to build.
(LAUGHING)
(YELLING)
(EXCLAIMS)
(YELLING)
(MEN EXCLAIMING)
(YELLING)
(GRUNTING)
(YELLING)
(GRUNTING)
(SWORDS SWISHING AND BODY THUMPING)
NARRATOR: Mathayus, the once mighty Scorpion King,
has lost his empire and his beloved queen.
With nothing left to live for,
his only desire is to die well in the pursuit of mercenary gold,
and freedom from the pain that haunts him.
King Horus, the most powerful ruler in the world,
faces a crisis that could cost him his kingdom.
His brother, Talus, a ruthless warrior,
has taken a legion of soldiers to the Far East to pillage its treasures
and amass an army powerful enough
to return and conquer Horus' kingdom.
Now, Talus marches on the palace of King Ramusan,
Horus' last ally in the known world,
and guardian of the legendary Book of the Dead.
Horus must stop Talus before he lays hands on the Book
and enslaves Ramusan's people.
For this, he needs a fearless champion
willing to accept what is certainly a suicide mission.
HORUS: Well done, Mathayus.
Formidable work besting Siris.
He was one of my most valued military advisors.
That's funny. He didn't seem to have a head for battle.
Humor from an Akkadian, proof that anything is possible.
We intercepted one of his messenger parcels
detailing all of our defensive strongholds.
Who was he working for?
My brother. Talus.
After my father died and left the kingdom to me,
Talus became very, very angry.
He thought he was the rightful heir to the throne.
With all due respect, Your Highness, I have a few vessels of wine
and a small army of harem girls to conquer tonight.
Can we just skip to the part where you tell me who you want killed?
Your royal nobility didn't take long to wear off.
Walk with me.
BOY: The king.
Someone that they call Cobra is the leader of the tribal resistance.
MATHAYUS: (SCOFFS) Naming yourself after a venomous creature?
Why didn't I think of that?
Once he finds out your mission is to protect King Ramusan,
I'm hoping that he comes to your aid.
Your chances of survival, Mathayus, are minimal at best.
When do I leave?
Tomorrow.
Well, better start drinking. (CHUCKLES)
I only need you to hold Talus off
long enough for me to get my army there.
King Ramusan will give you 1 0,000 pieces of gold
at the completion of your mission.
I will give you another 1 0 upon my arrival.
That is, if you survive long enough to collect it.
I'm sending someone with you.
I work alone. You know that.
Mathayus, you stand to help a great many people.
Perhaps that can provide some redemption for past sins.
I'll never have redemption for the past.
The gods will curse my passing, and I will thank them for it.
I do this for money alone.
OLAF: You all fight like little girls.
Which one of your. . . OLAF: Idiots.
. . .mighty warriors will accompany me?
OLAF: Who will challenge me? That one.
(GRUNTING) MATHAYUS: That ape?
Under what rock did you find him?
He was one of the only survivors of the great siege of Babylon.
(YELLING)
We brought him into our ranks
because of his unique skill set.
My men have yet to embrace him.
Go cry to your mama! (YELLING)
I wonder why.
(GRUNTS) Ha!
OLAF: Your hat looks stupid. (CHUCKLING)
(YELLING)
Assassin !
MATHAYUS: You Highness, do you really think this. . .
I'll save you, Sire!
Filthy Akkadian, come here. I'll squeeze you.
(GRUNTING)
MATHAYUS: Get off me, maniac!
Olaf, have you gone completely stupid?
He's an Akkadian, Sire! He's sent to kill you !
He's working for me.
Olaf's devotion to the realm, albeit humbling,
tends to cloud his judgment.
My apologies.
And you're working with him.
Working? What?
A quest.
(GROWLING)
(BELCHES)
(GROANING) Let's drink!
Did you bathe in camel dung this morning?
I smell like warrior!
Well, thank the gods my kingdom is safe. (BOTH GRUNTING)
Prepare them for their journey.
OLAF: ♪ Well, l met me a girl from Sodom
♪ With a moustache and an ample bottom
♪ She said with a wink as she poured me a drink
♪ "lf it's big feet you like, l got 'em!" ♪
(LAUGHING)
I heard stories about an Akkadian once.
Tales of incredible feats in battle.
A man so mighty many believed him part god.
I do not know much, but of one thing I am certain,
you're no Akkadian.
That's a mighty mound of horseshit.
Oh ! I could really go for a sheep's stomach stuffed with crickets.
(BELCHES)
You probably eat like a bird.
(CHUCKLING)
What's with the hair?
How do you get it all straight and shiny like that?
Did Mama comb that hair 1 00 times every night?
(BOTH SNORTING)
Or did Grandma have a recipe she passed down through the generations?
(IMITATING OLD WOMAN) "Just a hint of bat poop
"with just a touch of monkey testicle."
(GROANS)
Oh, how about that? Your balls finally dropped.
(GRUNTING)
See I finally got you to shut up.
You wanna go, Akkadian?
Huh? Already going.
You call that punching, princess?
Or are you courting me with those love taps? Huh?
Great humper of sheep?
(GRUNTING) (YELLING)
Down you go, Akkadian.
At my feet, where you belong.
(GRUNTING)
Oh, I'm sorry. Did I mess up your hair?
Wait. Let me fix it.
Nice try.
How does this feel, you filthy swine?
You like my face? Let me give you a closer look.
(GROANING)
(YELLING)
(GROANING)
BANDIT: Give us your gold or we'll cut your throats.
OLAF: Go back to Mama.
BANDIT: Hey! What are you doing?
My mama sends her regards!
They are fools.
(EXCLAIMS)
OLAF: One-legged sheep moves faster than you.
BANDIT: Forget them.
MATHAYUS: You would know!
(YELLING)
OLAF: Kiss me, precious.
BANDIT: That was the easiest robbery we have done in years.
OLAF: That's about all I can take from you, Akkadian !
(MEN LAUGHING)
(CHATTERING)
Mmm.
That's good.
Now, that's how you stoke a fire.
Let's sober you guys up.
Nobody touches my stuff!
Crime doesn't pay!
(YELLING)
MATHAYUS: Olaf, make mine medium rare!
(MEN SCREAMING)
(OLAF LAUGHING)
OLAF: At least you'll be able to see where you're going !
Not bad. Maybe you are an Akkadian after all.
(CHUCKLING)
That was fun. Almost broke a sweat.
Now where is my baby? (KISSES)
There you are.
(SIGHS)
(EXHALES)
(SIGHS)
This is a nice camp.
It's good of them to get it ready for us.
(CHUCKLING)
It was a good day.
Mmm.
That it was.
Where are you from?
I haven't seen your kind in the desert before.
I'm a Teuton from Germania.
Land of mountains, snow
and ice.
Are you crying? No.
(CHUCKLES)
Dirt in my eye.
How'd you end up here?
Ha! I came to fight in the great desert wars for gold.
I was to take my spoils back home,
but I have not earned the fortune I had hoped for.
Well, when we help this pitiful king,
you shall have them.
And I can return to my Olga.
Olga, and our 1 7 daughters.
(COUGHS)
Seventeen daughters?
OLAF: Yes.
But I still await a son.
It doesn't sound like it's for lack of trying.
(CHUCKLING)
What about you? What's your history in this place?
I have no history.
I just want to know where you're from, brother.
We're not brothers. You understand?
Who pissed in your wineskin?
Time for rest. We have many days travel ahead of us.
(THUNDER RUMBLES)
(LOUD SNORING)
MATHAYUS: Oh, Olaf, your breath smells like rotten yak carcass.
(GROWLING)
Great gods! What do they feed you cats over here?
Olaf. Olaf!
Olga?
MATHAYUS: Bye, Olaf. Die well.
(ROARING)
I've heard tales of such beasts. They look hungry.
Don't run.
OLAF: I'm running !
MESSANGER: Sire, news from King Ramusan's palace.
Talus has declared war on Ramusan.
Fetch me the rest of my generals.
We march tonight.
Fetch them !
SOLDIER: Yes, Sire.
By the gods, Talus,
I will spill your blood myself for this.
OLAF: The jungle has been known to swallow men whole.
I've heard tales of half-monkey men drinking human blood.
MATHAYUS: Excuse me if I don't consider a north country barbarian
an expert at jungle warfare.
With any luck, we'll make Ramusan's palace by sundown.
HATHOR: Sire, we captured one of Cobra's rebels for interrogation.
Ramusan's army is on the move,
but the king remains at the palace with the Book.
And still no sign of Cobra.
What have we?
Officer?
Or do I give too much credit to these heathens
to assume some proper chain of command?
(ALL LAUGHING)
Where is Cobra?
Is he planning an ambush?
He's not shown his face in days. Where is he?
(EXCLAIMING)
Perhaps I should speak just a little bit louder.
(SCREAMING)
Might you hear me now?
(ALL LAUGHING)
TALUS: Horus will send an army,
if he has not done so already.
We must not wait to take Ramusan.
Send a detail of men to attack tonight.
MERCHANT 1 : I could give you two more. Two for you.
MERCHANT 2: Come celebrate beautiful cobra. Come celebrate flesh.
Very cheap.
Thank you.
MERCHANT 3: Fat chicken for you.
SOLDIER: Your Highness!
We spotted a detachment of Talus' army approaching from the south !
Move into the palace! SOLDIER: Come on !
Quickly!
SOLDIER: Down the line! Go!
RAMUSAN: Prepare to close the gates.
(SOLDIERS CLAMORING)
Move! Quickly!
(OLAF BELCHING)
(SHUSHING)
(CLAMORING IN DISTANCE)
MATHAYUS: Olaf, we may be too late.
OLAF: If we're too late, we're still getting the gold, right?
Focus. Look down there. Those are Talus' men.
OLAF: I count 50 men in Talus' royal colors.
More like 60, 65.
OLAF: We need a plan.
Really? I thought we'd just run down there yelling
and thumping our chests, try and scare them to death.
That's not a bad idea.
RAMUSAN: Secure the gate!
SOLDIER: Secure the main door!
RAMUSAN: They come for the Book.
These men are assassins.
Talus wishes for me to die without honor,
while my people defend the land they have owned for centuries.
He must never taste victory,
only the copper sting of his own blood. Right?
(SOLDIERS CHEERING)
What is this?
Defend the gate!
(SCREAMING)
OLAF: We could try gorilla fighting.
Chimps attack in numbers,
like an army trying to overwhelm their enemy.
The gorilla does not have the benefit of numbers.
He makes the enemy bring the fight to him.
More cunning. More deadly.
One gorilla is better than 50 chimps.
Well, you're not as dumb as you look.
(CHUCKLING) Or sound.
I'm not even gonna talk about the smell.
What are you talking about? I smell delicious.
(SOLDIERS YELLING)
Bring in the beasts! Second positions!
It's time for battle.
OLAF: Let's crack some skulls.
(YELLING)
RAMUSAN: Repel the ladders!
Horus has forsaken us, men !
Hold your positions!
(GRUNTING)
(SHUSHING)
(CHOKING)
(SNIFFING)
(CHUCKLES)
Hey. Oil.
Whoosh ! (CHUCKLES)
Fight with me to the end !
(SCREAMING)
If we cannot have life, we will have honor!
(TRUMPETING)
RAMUSAN: Don't retreat!
Move to the wall !
(SCREAMING)
Regroup!
I should have never trusted an outsider to come to our aid.
(SCREAMING)
(TRUMPETING)
(GRUNTING)
(CHEERING)
(EXCLAIMING)
(SCREAMING)
TALUS SOLDIER: There's something outside!
Attack formation.
Quick march. Formation !
We cannot see them !
(SCREAMING)
(GROWLING)
Horus has fulfilled his promise.
(SCREAMING)
OLAF: Let's get the gold.
Sire, Akkadian and
this guy.
You're expecting diplomats?
Actually, yes. (CHUCKLES)
Maybe we should've just asked the bad guys to leave the king alone.
GUARD: Stop.
In any case, we are grateful to King Horus for his assistance.
And not a moment too soon.
Your men have my warmest invitation to enter the palace.
My men? RAMUSAN: Your army.
The men waiting in the jungle.
(SCOFFS)
There's no army, Your Highness.
Just us.
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
RAMUSAN: Oh.
Well, I am impressed to say the least.
Thank you. Thank you.
Normally a victory celebration would be in order, but. . .
But you can't afford to spend any of our gold on it.
Yes, we need to discuss the gold.
There isn't any.
I'm sorry, I thought he just said there isn't any gold.
That can't possibly be true.
Draw your sword, idiot.
Please, please, put away your swords.
There is no deceit.
My offer to King Horus was made in good faith,
but war, as you know, has its cost,
and this war has cost me everything.
That being said,
you've both traveled a great distance to come to our aid,
and this kingdom owes you a tremendous debt.
MATHAYUS: Oh.
You shall pay in treasure.
Well, that will also be acceptable,
provided, of course, that it is something of great value.
By the gods, that is. . .
A vision of beauty.
Reminds me of my Olga.
RAMUSAN: You misunderstand.
I do not propose this piece of art as your payment,
but rather its subject.
My daughter, Princess Silda.
I offer to you my daughter's hand in marriage as your reward.
(MUTTERING) Lucky bastard.
Very well. I accept.
No doubt an offer difficult to decline,
but have you forgotten there are two of us?
The necklace that she is wearing is the Eye of Gods medallion.
I thought that was a myth thieves told their children at bedtime.
You mean to tell me it's real?
Apparently so.
OLAF: The gods be praised.
We shall have it.
Yes.
(BELCHES) (SIGHS)
Something died inside of you.
(CHUCKLES)
MATHAYUS: Where is the princess?
Talus has her.
He kidnapped her to force my surrender.
But as much as I love my daughter, my people must come first.
I shall hold off Talus here while you rescue Silda.
Save my daughter and earn your seat at the royal table.
You and a princess.
(SNICKERING)
(WOMEN GIGGLING)
You mean to kill me.
(WOMEN GIGGLING)
Still, your aim is truer than my palace guards.
(GRUNTING)
You know, I have a mind to free your hands for I may starve to death.
Look at me.
Better.
(GRUNTS)
(LAUGHS)
You'll definitely be my queen.
Though your resistance to me is as preposterous
as your affinity to those savages
in the jungle that you call your people.
They are no more people
than the palace monkeys that wipe my bottom.
(ALL LAUGHING)
I mean, you see?
I am a benevolent,
highly entertaining ruler worthy of your hand.
You will see this.
You will see this, or I will take out your eyes and feed them to the ravens.
(GRUNTING)
MESSENGER: Sire! News from the East.
(EXCLAIMING)
(SIGHS)
My champions have held off Talus.
King Ramusan's palace is secured.
(LAUGHING)
(SOLDIERS SCREAMING)
MATHAYUS: Looks like Talus is preparing for battle.
Right here. Line them up.
OLAF: Where are they taking those prisoners?
MATHAYUS: To the front lines.
What?
I have a plan.
(CHUCKLES)
This better not involve me.
What business have you, heathen?
I hear you're paying for front line fodder.
Piece of silver for every day one survives the battle.
You look like you're good. Oh. No, no, no. Not me.
My slave here. . . (BELCHING LOUDLY)
We might get a whole week out of this one. (LAUGHING MORONICALLY)
Have fun.
(MUTTERING GIBBERISH)
This way. (GRUNTS)
(GROWLS)
HATHOR: Sire. TALUS: Yes?
A messenger brings news. Your assassins failed to take the palace.
They were defeated by an outside force.
The messenger believes Cobra came to Ramusan's aid.
OFFICER: Fall in formation ! (SOLDIERS SHOUTING)
And you know this how?
Messenger. Are you a sorcerer?
Or do you speculate, huh?
Oh, fear not.
Only a heartless rogue would kill the messenger.
Kill him.
MESSANGER: Wait. Please. No! No! (SCREAMS)
Quick work of those savages, press forward without mercy.
HATHOR: Ramusan's army approaches, My Lord.
OFFICER: Prepare for battle!
OFFICER 1 : Attack order!
OFFICER 2: Position !
(ELEPHANTS TRUMPETING)
(SHOUTING ORDERS)
Move! Move!
OFFICER: Sound horns!
(HORN BLARING)
(ELEPHANTS TRUMPETING)
(YELLING)
(HORN BLARING)
OFFICER: Charge!
OFFICER: Fire!
(SCREAMING)
(ALL YELLING)
(SCREAMING)
(TRUMPETING)
Silda. (GASPS)
By the gods. (MUFFLED SPEECH)
I've come to free you. Uh-uh.
(GRUNTING)
Would you be quiet? You'll alert the guards.
I'm trying to help you.
If you don't stop struggling, I'll take you to Abdul.
He'll pay highly to add you to his brothel.
OLAF: Good work, Akkadian. Great plan.
He gets the girl and I get these fools. Ridiculous.
MATHAYUS: Can somebody help me up?
(GRUNTING)
Olaf!
Olaf! Where's the girl? Come on !
These black warriors are Cobra's men.
They've got Silda and they're getting away. I'm going after them.
Well, I'll be dipped in donkey dung. Let's crack some heads!
Now, let us see how our royal guest is faring.
Sound the alarm.
Anybody?
SOLDIER: Sound the alarm ! Sound the alarm !
Sire, the princess is gone.
Oh really? Was it Cobra?
Did you by any chance happen to see these thieves?
No, Sire. They hit me so fast that. . .
I want the girl !
Now! Yes, sir.
Fools!
TALUS: Who is that man?
We're on the same side.
Give me the girl and the medallion and I'll take it from here.
(TRUMPETING)
(YELLING)
Cobra!
OFFICER: Fire!
You let them get away?
Next time, why don't you send a real warrior in, huh?
(CHUCKLING)
(MATHAYUS GROANING)
OLAF: Here comes Prince Charming.
It appears your day has ended a little differently than you expected.
Greetings.
As you know,
some thieves from the resistance have stolen my bride-to-be.
As my men are clearly not up for the fight,
and you have demonstrated that you are up for the challenge,
I would like to procure your services.
This is fit for a bribing purse, that's about it.
I need much more gold than this. Done.
And some women.
Done.
There will be bonuses if you bring me
the head of Cobra, their leader.
All of the assassins I have sent have not returned.
(LAUGHS) If you succeed,
there will be more gold than your beast can carry.
To fail is to die.
To refuse my offer is to die.
So what say you then?
I say we're wasting valuable time.
OLAF: So let me get this straight.
I spend the entire day cracking skulls
in a war that interests me about as much as camel dung in the desert.
Meanwhile, you lose the girl
and the medallion, and get us sent into this cursed jungle
to battle someone named after the world's most deadly snake,
who, by the way, was supposed to be on our side,
so that we can get paid twice for the same job.
Not bad, huh?
Not bad.
What about the medallion? That's what we came for.
When we find Cobra, we'll find Princess Silda.
And at that time, we'll have the medallion.
It may seem like a setback now,
but it's really gonna work out to our advantage.
OLAF: Don't piss on my head and tell me it's raining, Mathayus.
Why do Talus and Cobra care about
this meaningless strumpet anyway
if they are such mighty warriors?
They both know that only royal blood
can truly unite the tribes of this land.
She's a symbol of a new beginning.
OLAF: I doubt we'll get any gold out of this.
What?
Quiet. We're close.
OLAF: ♪ My belly has a need for mead (SHUSHING)
♪ As l ride upon my warrior steed
♪ There's battles to be fought and wars to be won
♪ l like cracking skulls with my mace just for fun ♪
OLAF: You found a big root, did you?
Quite the lesson in Akkadian warrior tracking, pretty boy.
I'm sorry.
They might hear us and be alerted to our presence!
(VOICE ECHOING)
Yeah, if they reside in falling water.
We're not alone, Olaf.
I'm gonna make some falling water of my own.
(OLAF GRUNTING)
Adventure of a lifetime my arse.
Oh !
With friends like you, who needs women?
This is gonna feel good.
(MOANING)
Oh, gods! That's so good !
(GRUNTING)
OLAF: What demons are these?
(GRUNTING)
(YELLING)
Where's the princess?
I have no quarrel with you. You give me back Silda and I'll let you live.
(YELLING)